When couples fail to stay together, questions like “should I file a divorce or let my child have both the parents”, “will my child love me after separation?”, “Will I be able to forgive myself for separating my child from my spouse?”, torment them inside and that will surely impact their social life as well as their own psychological health. When a couple goes through this dreadful phase of making a decision whether or not to separate, it is the question of the protection of the child that appears to be the most overwhelming question for them. But the real question is “will holding on to a messy relationship really provide your child the security or will it make it more messy?”.
Let’s discover what a child goes through after parents’ separation
Low performance in school: The experience of a disturbed environment, absence of one parent, memories of the struggle went on before separation make the little brain so full of utter confusion, doubts, insecurity that the child looses focus and fails to concentrate on studies. Hence low performance in school is obvious.
Aggressive behavior: The unexpressed confusion, the feeling of insecurity and immense stress will definitely lead to aggressive behavior. Moreover they will also adapt the aggressive actions they experienced at home. When a child observes the parents’ reactions of frustration, that frustration instills into them and the way to express it as well.
Asocial choices: If a conflict arises between you and your child and he chooses to alienate himself or watch TV instead of talking to you then it’s the time to realize that you are successfully behaving in a way that TV is more of peace to the child than your company. This aloofness and indifferent behavior is more likely to become a general attitude towards everybody. So NOW is the time to see world from his/her eyes too.
Confused: It is a universal fact that the child develops the sense to chose right over wrong by the continuous conditioning of parents and by establishing a belief system. Here the child will always be confused as who is wrong and who is playing the mean role. Therefore one needs a psychologist to have an unbiased view and kind of install the capabilities of judging the situation over human emotion.
Mind map: To simplify the concept- answer this question “do you love/hate/remain indifferent when there’s an animal in your surroundings?” now take a step back and think, “does everyone react in the same manner?”. I doubt!! Every human responses in accordance to his/her past experience and a lot of time these mechanisms are generalized. Hence it leads to having a map formed which ultimately leads to the personality a child or a human carries. Can these be channelized or cattier? YES with therapy these can be turned into the desired one.
The question remains the same: should or shouldn’t I make the move towards separation?
With the idea that intensity drives every action, we can say that intensity with which you feel to hold on is more, you will surely find a reason to hold on and if the intensity of feeling like moving on is higher so will the course of action be chosen. Though for the child, as the latest research claims that parental separation had a significant negative impact on the children and family income. Though researchers also quotes that to let go of the messy relationship harms a little less in comparison with letting the child be surrounded by an atmosphere of quarrel and stress.
- Plan a child only when you are ready and not because of your environmental pressure.
- Logically you are more responsible for playing a part of a provider than the destiny. Hence plan once you are ready not only mentally but also in terms of security.
- Heal yourself first, if you are holding on to the custody of the child make sure you heal before anything else as your child will learn more from the environment you’ve created than the lessons you want them to learn along.
- In case your child is not with you DO NOT tittle-tattle anything against the other person, it will only make a child more miserable and confused.
- Love unconditionally and make sure you are not letting your GUILT come in the way of molding your child into a better human being. When the action or choice they make is wrong, make sure you correct them even if they play the victim and point at the choices you made in your life.
- If you are planning to ask your child to behave because you choose to hold on a messy relation, believe me you are going to put yourself down because they have seen the mess with their own as well as you and your partner’s eye.
Yes. No one can understand what you are going through and yes, people closest to your heart will talk with or against you hence its necessary to vent out to the correct source. Therefore stay tuned with MAIVEEZ@ HappyDNA. Do share this article, may be someone will feel relieved before bed tonight.